Ok, here it goes. I could describe myself as an ordinary woman but I really don’t like the word ordinary. I’m ordinary in terms of how I was brought up.I am 33 years old and I spent my childhood living in a small village in a small country, a member of the European Union (since 2004) – Slovenia. I had a good/average childhood, public education, finished high school of Tourism in 2002. I lived an average life with an average wage. I have loving parents, a brother, and my dog Gaia.
As a child I frequently felt different, as I have always been among the tallest (I’m 182 cm tall now), so as a tall girl, I didn’t fit in well with other kids. I was not self-confident, I was more of a girl who didn’t know where she belongs. I always felt a little abandoned, needy of love. My parents gave me lots of love – but in their own ability and from very different mindset. I craved for something totally different. I craved the connection. The feeling of belonging.
I will describe my life through the experiences that shaped me the most – and in my opinion – that are relationships. They gave me my biggest lesions in life, through relationship I got to know my self the most. I was always highly sensitive to energies and had a wide open heart – that could love (and still does) many people and beings. Relationships whit people shape us the most. True, honest feelings and hurts are the one that will teach you the most about life and love.
In primary school, I was this quiet, shy girl, who had a very loud mind. I had imaginary conversations with schoolmates around me – in my mind of course, never dared to speak up – always worrying that I have nothing to offer. And my odd looks weren’t helpful. I had 3 best girl-friends, one of them is still my very beloved friend.
We separated when it was time for high school. We all went to different cities. So, a whole new chapter, whole new experiences. I had good times, bad times, had my first boyfriend – who also happened to be my classmate. Making same mistakes, not really learning my lessons.
As high school was slowly coming to an end, I met the “Love of my life”, of that period. We had it all figured out, we were together for 5 years, got engaged, bought an apartment together … We never argued and he was a really nice man. But, I saw this “life” ahead of me, getting married, having children whilst I’m not even 25 years old. It made me sick to my stomach. Deep inside I felt, that this is not the Life I’m longing for…. I wanted to find a Life and a Love on a deeper level of connection, a life where my heart will be rid of any doubts. So I ended the relationship and broke a man’s heart. That was the first most difficult decision I had to make in my life – to take control of the steering wheel of my own Life.
I feel deeply in love shortly afterwards – and got my Karma. Thought, I had met my soulmate, I actually spent two years of my life with an enormous ego, self-centered persona, who took the spark of life out of my eyes in a very short time. And I honestly thought – that all he needs is unconditional love & acceptance and that somehow – he’ll be the person that I knew he was capable being. For the first time in my life, I truly felt, how it feels to not be loved by the person your heart loves.
After the end of the relationship, I ended up living in rented apartment with my mastiff dog Luna and a cat named Kat. And I never felt more light. The spark of Life returned into my eyes quite quickly after I removed myself from a very uncomfortable and unhealthy relationship.
Then something different and unusual happened. The Universe sent me a person, with whom I was involved with around 6 months. He showed me something completely different from what I was used to. He showed me, how relationships are suppose to feel, if both sides are givers. He opened up a world of mysteries, all the universal topics. He showed me documentary movies that awaken the mind and take it beyond normal thinking patterns. He changed my perspectives about everything … he “woke” me up. It was the beginning of my soul journey. I soon learned that this amazing person is not in my life as my life partner, so in a short while our ways parted. His life took him to Singapore, whilst I stayed with Luna & Kat. Known him for 6 months – but he changed my life – which I’m truly grateful.
For the next 2 years I was not involved in any romantic relationships. I lived by myself, with my two lovely animals, had a good time and had pleasant experiences. Occasionally I had feelings of loneliness. This was the most important time for my personal growth. I read tons of books; my favorite author is Eckhart Tolle … I learned to rely on myself, had a job that provided a lot of freedom and vacations. Everything was going ok, except my desire to share this life and state of mind with somebody who’s worth it and will have the sufficient knowledge to understand it. I was (and still am) attracted to a person’s state of mind, the depth and wideness of their thoughts, and the size of their heart. There are not a lot of people like that around running around.
And when I least expected – Love found me again. There was this guy that I met – the smartest man I’ve ever known. He lived in another region of Slovenia. A brilliant mind…but very emotionally scarred. He was born in to family of takers, so he had to protect himself – in the way of not really giving 100% of his heart to anybody. Consequently – I couldn’t give my 100% either. We had big plans to move to Canada and start our lives on with a fresh and clean start.
The Universe works in mysterious ways. You always get what you need in order to grow as an individual at a certain time. If you follow this path and your intuition and instincts, your heart will always show you the path to take. This was one of those times – when my beloved mastiff Luna started dying. It was quick, unexpected and tough. And my partner (we were together for 6 months) at that time completely backed out. That was a huge sign for me – of how life with this person would probably look like …We would live far away from everybody we know, and for all my problems (and his) I would be totally alone. That wasn’t the partnership I dreamt of, that wasn’t the giving that I was longing for.
We broke up shortly after – and an interesting thing happened. He started reading The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle (which I suggested countless of times when we were involved). It shifted his life and he found his spark of Life again, his connection to the Universe and his place in this experience called Life. So our relationship did have a deeper meaning after all.
I guess that we meet certain people for certain lessons – but they all teach us something about ourselves as well.
I’m writing about my relationships in this part – because they had the greatest meaning in my Life in terms of awakening to certain knowledge. And it all came back to me. It is funny how we can see a bigger picture after some time has passed, also letting go of any resentment that would accumulate during a relationship. I am very grateful that I had the privilege to spend time with every single one of these people. They changed my life on so many different levels and I changed their’s too. Good changes and not so pleasant ones – but all very important in terms of learning and self-growth.
When my relationship with this man started to come to an end – the Universe was already sending me a very special soul. He was my partner for almost 6 years and somebody who is my best friend. We have had our ups and downs – mainly because we’re very different mindsets and have different perspectives about majority of things. We were completing each-others shortcomings and we worked really well together. We went on this journey together – moving out of Slovenia to England in pursuit of better life for both of us. We learned a lot together, became stronger individuals, went through tons of experiences and places, but we were also living and working together at the same place for 4,5 years – and that included social isolation – since we found it hard to make and meet friendships on this journey of moving around and finding place to settle. So in years – even if we’ve been together 24/7 – we somehow manage to grow apart. My feelings shifted from romantic nature more to a friendship kind of way. I was struggling with this realization for quite a while – until I couldn’t suppress it any more. We both knew that we had some tough conversations and deep thinking ahead of us – about what we both want out of life and where does it taking us. And here is where our journey of the same path divides and goes to 2 separate, different paths. It is very sad – for both of us, we’ve been through so much together and I care for him deeply, but I feel that after all this years of getting to know myself better – my soul needs to be free and independent. And I know for sure that that is exactly what he needs in his life – if he can see this right now or not. The break-up is still in progress right now (April 2018), so the feelings and sadness is very much alive in this present moment where I’m adding this writing right here.. We both developed our own unique characters over this almost 6 years – that don’t fit together anymore. Frequencies don’t match. And even if right now these feelings sucks and are very painful – it has to be done because we were both quietly suffering in this relationship.
But I do trust the Universe that everything that is happening is exactly as it needs to be.
I can really say that in all of these years I got to know myself on levels that I didn’t know I had. I very much trust in life and it’s purpose. So far, it brought me to amazing places, experiences and lessons. And I willing to share all my knowledge and journey with you – through all of my writing and opened heart.
If someone would tell me 5 years ago – that I’ll be living in England now and completely change my odds in Life – I would not believe him.
But sitting here – and reflecting where my life went – I am very grateful. The knowing that I have the opportunity now to really explore life, to work lots of different things in life ahead and not locking myself in this rooms of limited options. I never knew what I wanna do (for money) in my Life – and I still don’t. But I learned even more important thing – what I don’t wanna do. And this opened me up to all kinds of possibilities. I developed competence, confidence and lots of skills I never knew I have. Inner and outer ones.
I am in this school called LIFE and it fascinates me…. I did a lot of self-growth and rose my awareness and consciousness. I was hurt many times and I hurt some people as well. And that I am just a human being is not an excuse for me any more.
I believe that we have a light inside ourselves …Some called it “the soul”. And we have “a voice” inside our heads…very often can we hear it in your thoughts – the Ego. The voice of the ego is fear based and comes from a mindset of scarcity. Scarcity means that either there isn’t enough or I am not enough, so I had better manipulate, fight, or flee a situation. The ego, as I see it, is about separating people – the good from the bad, the saved from the damned, those who know from those who do not. The ego always sees itself as better than, or less than others. This kind of separation is a way of justifying one’s positions and behaviors. The ego likes to be special.
We are not what we think, we are not our own thoughts. This was the first wake up call for me.
This kind of spiritual growth isn’t so easy and natural in the 21st century. People are so deeply hurt and misled from their true selves, that they forgot what they seek (happiness, love, compassion, strength, empathy and much more) is lying deep in them …not outside them, in their world we consider to be reality.
Love is something you are and you carry, if you don’t feel love, you can’t give any. We live in a strange world at the present time. So many people that have wealth and money are living their lives like robots …Without true love, without proper relationships with their closest families, without happiness. They exist every day, without really living. And there is the poor…having Love and true smiles and soul in their eyes. They are grateful for many small things and can easily find happiness in themselves. And then, there is us (the middle class like they call us). We are the strangest of them all. Having the opportunities to have a happy and content life with true values and fulfillment. But what do we do with our lives? We end up with not knowing ourselves, knowing other people, with broken dreams, blaming others, staying ignorant in the “Era of information”, being selfish and lifeless. This is what I have noticed on every day bases.
You see, there are mainly two kinds of people really. First are the people who go through life exactly how the system wants them to. They go through an educational system, where they are taught what to think instead of how to think. Where children are taught authority, how to obey. They get their vocations, degrees, diplomas … Then they go to work, work for somebody else, have same rituals year after year and robotizing themselves. They exist, but they never truly live. They gamble away their best years to chase false believes and buy things, they don’t really need. And they can have a happy life, but it is a sweet illusion they live in.
There is so much more to life. And then, there are people like me… we are awakening. We see through deceptions, through illusions and lies. We are the ones seeking the truth. Truth about us, truth about this world, truth about love, truth about the system that the people in charge design for us, to exploit us for their sick agenda. We are the ones really loving Life and being grateful for the little things…like special moments and magic with our love ones. We see things more clearly, more true and more meaningful. Once you learn to control your thoughts, you take control of your life. And being awake and aware is not an easy task. Not in this era. There are not many of us…so we must get used to solitude. You know that feeling, being alone in the crowd? I had it many times.
We think differently. We are usually not slaves of the system and we are not prisoners of time or the clock. I learned that people don’t want to hear the truth, the truth about the world we live in, about the food we eat, about the lies they are being fed through TV and newspapers, they love their illusions too much.
So, for awaken people, true friendship is rare and very much appreciated. And love, OH love. Finding someone or being found by someone out of this limited number of beings, that are awake, aware, that understand you, is in love with your mind, cherishes your love, is true and committed, has a soul, recognizes the ego inside, is a giver….that is the rarest thing nowadays. I am so grateful that I found this person, for having him in my life. We are much alike and value same things. We are true, compassionate, full of love and respect for all living beings, we have a connection with ourself and with one another. We are both natural givers… And we love to learn and grow…learn from the school called LIFE.
I should explain the givers – takers concept.
The Giver is the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make the other person happy and avoid anything that makes the other person unhappy, even if it makes you unhappy. It’s the part of you that wants to make a difference in the lives of others, and it grows out of a basic instinct that we all share, a deep reservoir of Love and concern for those around us.
The other half is the Taker. It’s the part of you that follows the rule: do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy, even if it makes others unhappy. It’s the part of you that wants the most out of life, and it grows out of your basic instinct for self-preservation.
In everyday life, our Givers and Takers usually solve problems together. They recognize our need to give and take simultaneously. For example, when we buy groceries, we give money and take groceries. We don’t give more money than the grocer charges us and we don’t take groceries without paying for them.
But in relationship, a strange thing happens to the way our Givers and Takers operate. They seem to work independently of each other. Either the Giver is in charge, and we give unconditionally to our partner, or the Taker is in charge where we take what we want from our partner without giving anything in return.
When you think about it, who is easier to control? Others or yourself? When I own my own fear, sadness, and disappointment that lead to anger, the task actually becomes easier. As disgusted as I may be with myself when I start realizing how controlling I am, I have the power to do something about myself. In fact, that’s where the recovery journey starts – an honest awareness of how I really am: my behavior, my beliefs, my emotional responses, determine how I interpret the world around me; and then honestly take a look at what I really want (goals, dreams and desires). All this has to be done without any “sugar-coating.”
If I learned something it is that – Life gives to the giver and takes from the taker; the choice is really ours.
I don’t really blame people that are asleep, that blindly follow this system of the elites. But I’m a deeply disappointed. We have all the right tools – like the internet, we have many possibilities; we have books and documentary movies, which give us the true view on how things really stand here. Ignorance is a choice nowadays, at least for many people. To wake up from the illusions we have been living in, we must first be spiritual: to be ‘spiritual’ is to think, act and interact from an awareness of self as spirit not form, soul not body. Most of us are taught to believe we are our physical forms, and so we identify with our body or the labels we give to our bodies such as nationality, race, gender, height, etc. This wrong sense of self is what creates all fear, anger and sadness in life. From a spiritual point of view these emotions are always the result of ego (miss-identification), which then blocks access to your true spiritual nature which is peaceful, loving and joyful.
~And we should be intelligent: Intelligence is to use what you know in the right way at the right time in the right place with the right intention. For example if you ‘know’ yourself as a spiritual being you will also ‘know’ that you do not own or possess anything. When something in your life is damaged or lost, it does not affect you in any way – you are able to use your spiritual power to accept and move on. If someone praises the clothes you wear, or insults you in any way or comments negatively about your looks, you are NOT affected because you ‘know’ that your real beauty lies within your character, within your nature, which no one can ever take away. In that moment you draw on the inner power of that knowledge and use it to remain stable in the face of others negativity. In effect you are drawing on your spiritual strength which is only released when you know who and what you are, and then using that strength in the right way, in the right place at the right time.~
“When you realize who you really are you will be at peace with yourself, not only because peace is your true and original nature but there is no longer any inner division and therefore conflict between the many identities that you had previously created (gender/ nationality/ profession/possessions etc).
When you realize who you really are you are at peace with others. You no longer have to defend or protect any false image of yourself, so you no longer perceive anyone else as a threat to those images.
When you realize who you truly are you are at peace with the world because you will contain the world instead of it containing you. Whereas before you allowed the world to impose itself on you and shape your perceptions and feelings according to your particular sense of identity, now your self-perception is stabilized in the correct identity. In a sense you shape the world as you bring it into your consciousness.”
What I am trying to do here, is to open your eyes a little. To show you in what kind of world are you living and believe me, the truth is harsh. It is our duty and purpose to have different and true perspectives about everything. About you, people around you, nature, world, system, money, lies, truths….
Living in reality is a life-long process that starts with truth. The truth about self. Planting your feet on the ground is a continual process of ego-deflation, removing masks and letting go. It’s developing a new vision and finding a new path to a better life and to a better you.
This should open your eyes a little … Remember, I’m just like you … A common 30+ year old person, that seeks and recognizes truth.
I can’t really wake you up. Only you, and you alone have that power. To reach this destination, however, you must first be willing to tell yourself the truth – or at least be prepared to seek it.