Well hello readers and my online journal. haven’t shared anything on here for about 10 months. A part of me was actually postponing writing about this year and everything that had happened. What a year hey?
This was definitely a year of changes, no matter if people wanted them or not. They def needed to embrace them weather with open hearts or with resistance. Because that is still a choice even if it doesn’t feel as it is…but reality is we only have control over our own responses to new and unpredictable situations. And when that is mastered – it is quite a powerful thing. The most powerful we will ever be is in the present moment being fully present. I think that is why I love taking pictures so much – as when looking back on them I can be transported right back into that now, remembering the sounds, scenery, smells, my feelings at that certain time, precious moments.
To start somewhere where I left with my writings – I have to start somewhere in October previous year. It was my 35th birthday and I made a wish that evening which came upon me the very next day. Was the quickest manifestation I ever received. I fell quite in love with quite an unique person that time. It was absolutely mind-blowing how many “boxes” we ticked for eachother and how our vibes were complimenting one-anoter-s in first few months of getting to know each other and spending time together. Nothing was ordinary about this, not our first dates, not doing things by norm. Doing something out of the ordinary and spontaneous brings upon different side in people I think. They tend to drop masks soner and sharing their walled up things easier. Or so it was in this case. I haven’t let anyone in my space at this level of vulnerability and intimacy for a long long while.
And as every experience with a new person should be different – I can say I experienced things I haven’t discovered about myself yet. How good it is to say that when you’re 35? Certain people can still show you things you have not known about yourself , teach you or open you up to new things and you can still feel things you haven`t felt before. To say that everything was moving very fast and was very intense would be an understatement. But I guess you can get to know a person quite quickly this way. The difference between what they are saying and their deeds. The difference between who they think they are and reality of what they are. I also discovered a part of me that I didn’t like and do not want to encounter again. A part of my character brought up to surface when my ego got scared. Was an important lesson for me for which I am grateful.
And I also finally learned how to really see people for what they truly are here and now instead of their potentials and who they could be some day. Because who you are dealing with is the person in that moment with you – their character, their words, their effort, their attention etc. I think it is quite easy to be enthusiastic about peoples passion and dreams and drive, but that is not necessarily who they are there and then. And it is important to not fall for persons potential but to be vary of the deeds instead of words. In the end – you are spending time with someone in many nows, not somewhere in the future. This one was quite important one for this year.
As connected as I felt in beginning – as far apart I felt in the end. Can not really explain it or rather would not, but energy between two people is all there is for me. And sometimes it moulds perfectly, and grows and transforms and sometimes it regresses. And it is not anyone can do anything about it – it is just the universe showing you what does resonates with your energy frequency and what/who does not. One can not fake the vibration and I can sense it very quickly. And if not there – I will walk away without a question. Learned in the past where I was trying to stay in a relationship that did not vibe and at the end my only regret was always to not walk out soner.
I will not go in details about this – and could easily fill out pages about this very special union until it felt right – I can just freely say that I loved with a full heart again which has not happen for years and I accepted someone with open arms and bared my naked soul – but sometimes it is just not meant to be. The amount of love I felt was the same at the beginning and the same on a day I hugged him goodbye.
Sometimes you “win” and sometimes you learn.
On December 2019 I was able to fly back home to Slovenia for 20 days as bosses were away as well. It was really wonderful to see my people back home and spend some time with them. But saying that, my presence was divided as part of it stayed with a certain individual who at that time did not cope well about me being gone at all. And just that alone should be a huge showcase of someones will and strength – was right there in the open – every behaviour that I usually would not entertain nor tolerate. Looking back on it, we can really put up with ridiculous things when we feel in love. I am sure that something like that will never happen again – as one lesson is quite enough. I even flew back a week earlier to accommodate his feelings – which was all in vain as seen afterwards. Sometimes we do stupid things for others, give and give for breadcrumbs. It is remarkable how fast my boundaries were crossed and how little regards other people can have to respect them. So it is up to us to loudly and clearly say to those people to simply f… off. I am smiling writing this now, as I know for certain this will never ever happen again. Lesson so well learned.
This relationship lasted from Oct till somewhere in April and all this madness all of us found ourselves in. I will not go into details of Corona situation here, as my view and perspective on it may upset many people and I just do not want to waste my energy of proving anyone anything. All I can say is that we live in very interesting times and important ones as well. And how each of us will contribute their energy is important in these times.
Everyone can have their opinion on anything really – opinions are not a sign of intellect or intelligence one possesses, as opinions can be form from false information and beliefs. And saying that – some opinions will always be closer to the truth than others. And if you develop your intuition a bit further and keeping your vibrations a bit higher – one can easily recognise the truth by how it feels.
Since last summer my bosses main house here at the countryside where I live and normally work is going through extended renovations lasting somewhere till December this year. As I am writing this we are already into year of it, meaning my work changed to once a week going up their London home to help out. Meaning I am working once a week for a full salary past year. Now this is something that is def not a normal scenario here in England. But as I was always craving freedom this is a perfect manifestation of it for now. This time also gives me an excellent opportunity to put together my next reality which I can feel around the corner for quite some time now. Doing something for my future self and that “laptop lifestyle” I want and crave. Meaning I finally started to work more actively on my idea of free future during the lockdown and am very very pleased with initial results and by the fact that my vision is actually doable and very much achievable. I very much meant it when I said that my current boss will be the last boss I will ever have in my life.
So this first half of the year was lacking a bit of excitement and I am longing for some adventure. And as everything is so unpredictable right now and holidays are not exactly happening as usually I decided to spice things up a bit for myself. Meaning I am going on this epic roadtrip back home to Slovenia for 5 weeks! Taking my car, my dog Gaia and Eros the cat! It will be his first ever roadtrip – but I prepared him since a kitten to be a good boy in the car. So we will see how that will be going. And Gaia was not visiting home for about 3 years now as I always flew back home usually as much cheaper and easier ofc. We are driving through France where we sleep in a beautiful cottage in Epernay and second day we are driving to Stuttgart in Germany, sleeping there in a little countryside hotel and driving from Germany through Austria and to Slovenia on the third day. And than staying for 4 weeks in Slovenia and hop to Croatian sea side for a bit as well. I am really looking forward to this journey that is starting in 5 days!!! Can not wait.
So to sum this up – I do not know how exactly will next 6 months look like (altho have some ideas that they will be blowing this virus thingy out of proportions and planting fear well into the next year still), but I do hope that we all learned something in these times. Like valuing the simple things. Learned what is important. And I wish all of us more of that in the future. More of genuine connections, more compassion, more acceptance, more love, more meaning, more patience, more time, more authenticity and maybe more freedom. If there was ever such time to have a hard look at our lives and how we do things – this is it. This is that wake up call for changing all of it and create the life you would actually love.
Till the next time, Nella.